Who decided that titty-fucking was cool? Did Sinatra used to finish his lowball of whiskey just to take home that dame across the bar for some good ol’ slipping and sliding between a pair of tig ol’ biddies? Initial research (i.e. I did not in any way attempt to research this) has been inconclusive as to Sinatra’s inter-mammary predilections, but this I do know: Everything about titty-fucking is just plain wrong — from its name, to the act itself, to the Google Images result when I type in the term (well, actually, the search results are pretty good).

As far as I know, the area of the breast halfway between the sternum and the tit is not an erogenous zone. So why would fervently rubbing one’s penis against these two locales on a woman elicit anything but a curious glance or a menacing gaze, instead of the faces of ecstasy and jubilation I see in these pictures? These girls really looked pleased. Am I missing something? Am I just not as good at performing this overly simple sexual act as a paid professional is? Before I get ahead of myself, let’s backtrack and take a look at how this tragic comedy unfolds.

“Hey baby, let’s spice it up tonight, I’m going to try something I saw on Brazzers real quick.” No. That is not how the act of titty-fucking usually starts, although in my mind this is 30 times more acceptable. Hell, I’ll even entertain my juvenility and say that it’s 69 times more acceptable.